My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
