but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
