If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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