Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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