Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
