this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
