I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
