for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
