Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
vagina is talking i cant
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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