Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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