So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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