I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
