I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
