I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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