I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I would fuck him just for his dog
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
