4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
