White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
