I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
