# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
