Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
