I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
i think im in europe. pls send help
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
