I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
