my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
