I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
