I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
