Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
