Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
