So drunk, too bad you don't want this
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
