Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
