I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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