You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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