FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
