I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
