im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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