tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
