Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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