I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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