he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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