I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Operation Purity has been aborted
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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