u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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