I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
