I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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