I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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