Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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