Sponge bath it is.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm both gender and math confused
Drunk is a universal language darling
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
