Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
