so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
