Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
