the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
