My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
