If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
