I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
where are you?
Hypothermia
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
