OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Your penis caused this!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
