Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
