Me. At least after what I've been through.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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